Nahai

Her grandparents' house was so big she would lose count when trying to find out how many bedrooms there were. The living room had a large fireplace where the whole family would gather every night to talk, laugh and hear her grandfather telling stories. All the cousins, aunts and uncles lived together in that huge house, managing to have a harmonious life. One night, Nahai was showing a video she had made about every person in the family. The video was a compilation of several videos she had recorded of different moments for the past 2 months, during family time and throughout the day.
While she was playing the video, they slowly started to get up and leave the living room. Her first feeling was that they were not interested. But the real reason was because it was getting late and dark and each one of them had to go to their rooms, which were on separate floors. Each family had designated a name for their room, but as she found out, they were segments like vampires, floaters, people who could create and leash fire with their hands, and other relevant characteristics.

The vampires called themselves Sukus. A Suku had orange skin, bright-white teeth and they needed to eat meat in order to stay alive. They were very strong and nobody could hurt them.
The floaters were known as Kocas. A Koca had very long hair which helped them float whenever they wanted, and they were prohibited to cut their hair. If a Koca were old enough and had long enough hair, he could probably fly, depending on the purity of his heart.
The fire people were called Palos. A Palo had the ability to create fire only on their hands, and then transfer it to wherever they wanted. But for that they had to drink at least one full jug of water everyday.

Finally everybody left the living room and Nahai was left alone, while the video she had created was still playing. Even though this was her family, she had no room of herself; she had nowhere to go.
Snow was falling outside. It was a cold night, so she wrapped herself around a heavy blanket near the fireplace. The living room was in the last floor and the only way to get to the ground floor or even to leave the house was to go to the last floor, where the living room was, and use the slide, which was made from ice.
To enter the building, there was a set of stairs made of ice as well, but you could only take the stairs to go up, never to go down. If you tried leaving the house by taking the stairs, you would walk in circles, never being able to leave, only to endlessly have a feeling you were going down but never reaching the bottom.

One day, Nahai's cousin, who was a Koca, tried to go down the slide, but she got her long hair stuck and  tangled around her legs and arms. Her cousin's lips were so luscious. A Palo quickly went over and  helped her untangle herself and leave.

Nahai was unable to fall asleep so she took the slide and went all the way down to the ground floor and exited to the street. She noticed so many different people and they were all having a party. But she could notice separate groups, not all of them would mingle together. The Sukus wouldn't get close to the Palos, for example.
After walking around, she saw a friend that she hadn't seen for a long time. His name was Boji. He was short, had a slim and fit body and Nahai was a tad taller than he. She quickly hugged him. They went on walking together as she wrapped her arms around him and she felt so secure, as if all of her fears had disappeared.
While they walked around, they walked past a group of young Palo girls who had their arms burned, with scars and red blisters. They were probably still learning how to control their ability. But their eyes were full of fire, as if they couldn't yet release it.

Nahai wanted to spend all night with Boji, learn all about life as he would teach her, but he said it was safer if she went back to her grandparents' house, since she had no house of her own. He took her to the stairs, gave her an eternal hug and off she went. Nahai slowly went up the stairs, taking each step while wondering if she would ever see him again, but she had hope in her heart and it mattered for that moment.

Kylie

Outono... as folhas das árvores ficando amarelas, vermelhas, roxas. Uma dança de cores tão bonita quanto a aurora boreal. Sentada em um banco num parque, ela contempla a natureza, a cor do céu, a forma como os raios do sol da tarde se refletem na água da lagoa, como as pessoas andam e se comportam, vê as crianças comendo pipoca e tomando sorvete.

Um enorme sentimento de nostalgia, relembrando os momentos de criança, quando podia correr de um lado para o outro, somente com a preocupação de brincar, aproveitar o tempo e se divertir.
Ainda muito jovem, os sonhos de uma menina inocente, ambições infindáveis, esperanças de uma vida cheia de conquistas, de um dia poder fazer as pessoas felizes e acabar com a tristeza no mundo. Tudo parecia tão fácil e delicioso, como subir no pé de manga e comer seus frutos maduros. A ignorância do que tinha ao alcance, e o desejo e ansiedade ao que ainda estava por vir. A negligência do amor familiar, de quão confortante era poder ter o abraço caloroso da mãe.

Já muito tarde, ela perdeu o amor e a esperança de ser livre. As ambições já não tem significado, muito menos os desejos. É como um lago de águas negras numa ilha sem sol, com águas paradas, sem movimento e sem vida. O príncipe encantado se foi e deixou as pontas afiadas de um sonho despedaçado. O futuro guarda solidão e tristeza, ausência de vida e ventos frios.

O relógio despertou. É hora de ir trabalhar.

O que ser

De todas as vezes que penso quem sou, descubro que sou eu.

Eu que não entendo o que é ser.

Eu que não entendo como não ser.

Muitos já tentaram e conseguiram deixar de ser.

Eu também. Mas não consegui.

Simplesmente e somente porquê o segundo que está por vir é o mesmo que já se passou.

Mostra-me quão breve é o tempo que foi e que vai.

E eu, mais breve ainda.

O que fazer com este eu que não sabe?

Deixar de ser ou ser eu mesma?

É mais fácil isolar-me.

Nem ser, nem deixar de ser.

E continuar sendo ninguém.

The Healing

If I remember correctly, I was about 6 years old when my adoptive mother first told me I was an adopted child. It was probably several times that she would lay me on her lap, touch my hair and say something like: "A mamãe te ama muito mas você tem outra mãe. Ela te doou pra nós quando você ainda estava na barriga dela porquê ela não tinha condição de te criar, então ela queria uma vida melhor pra você, poder ir pra escola, ter brinquedos...". 

Several times she would repeat that same story to me. It wasn't until I was about 8 years old that I started to be conscious about it. I even remember one day I got spanked for some misbehavior and later I went into my bedroom, got a plastic bag and packed a few clothes, then I told my sister that I was going away to find my real mother. How stupid was that!!

That thought was always with me. Specially during adolescence. I forget how many times I told myself or my siblings that I was going away! Thinking back on it, that was probably what triggered my brother to have so many nasty fights with me. So many times we would fight over trivial things and in the end he would tell me that I wasn't his sister, that I didn't belong to that family, that I should leave. It still hurts, but I do love my brother and I forgive him. I just wish I could also forget it.

Live with what you have been given, stop complaining and wishing things had happened differently. What matters is how different we are going to live the now and then.

I feel alive, content. Hopefully one day I will be finally be able to get rid of all thoughts of suicide that have always been part of me. I truly want to live. Live today, make right decisions, and wait for the consequences in the future. Be it rewarding or not. 

The Manifestations

"(The pain of adoption) is something that can lie dormant most of one's life. If it erupts in childhood, adolescence, or early adulthood and is dismissed as neurotic behavior or normal rebelion, it can subside into numbness. But it can stir malignantly in some adoptees all their lives, making them detached, floating, unable to love or to trust..."

Manifestations of occurrences in a baby's life are never to be underestimated.

Learning about how that affected me as a baby with results to be present throughout my life, has more than ever, helped me understand who I am and accept that as part of myself. Facing the fact that my birthmother abandoned me as a child has been the hardest thing. I would think that for anybody it would be very hard to imagine and accept being abandoned without pity while still a tiny baby. How can a baby be so bad and unworthy of the love of its own mother? That has created an inexplicable sense of guilt that has been haunting me since I have been aware of my own identity.

Sometime ago a very close friend asked me to try and find out the reason of my feeling of unworthiness, and after some reading and thinking, it looks like the adoption is the one to blame.
That would be explained by what Nancy Verrier calls the "Bad-Baby Syndrome", which basically is defined through a mother not giving away a good baby, therefore if my mother gave me away, I must have been a bad baby. This created a feeling of rejection and has been subsequently present in my adult life, where every slight rejection triggers the belief of being a "bad baby".
Hence I was bound to become a people-pleaser, a dreadful characteristic. To me, pleasing everybody means I will never get rejected again. To be able to do that, I created a fake self, where I can be two persons, using the most convenient one when needed. However the true self is never revealed, nobody ever gets a chance to see my real self.

Another characteristic that strikes me the most, is the inability to trust another human being.
That has always been a part of myself, whether it is perceived as a good quality to have or not. At this time of life, I would prefer to think that it has impacted me in a negative way. I say that because I've never been able to get close to anyone! That hurts because all human beings need to express how they feel, no matter then means they use. Having nobody to trust and to express myself to is painful. Needless to mention the inability to carry on a healthy relationship. One which there is love and trust as the foundation.
Actually, love is dangerous!! There will always be a need to keep a distance from other people as a way to be less vulnerable, not to get attached and take the risk of being abandoned again, not to reveal my true self and be rejected again. Skepticism in that way is a huge part of my personality.

An alternative way to prevent any future abandonment or rejection is to be in control of every situation. I've been several times labeled as a control freak, and I have never denied that; at least now I know where this comes from. It is almost intolerable to let anyone else be in control of my life.

In summary, some of the issues could be described as fear of rejection, lack of trust, fear of intimacy, loyalty, shame and guilt, identity and power or mastery and control.
All adoptees suffer a primal wound as a result of their separation from their first mother.
I believe that to live a life full of self-pity, wishing that it would have been different, would not help at all. The answer would be to acknowledge the fact and how it impacted my personality, acknowledge the difficulties it has created, live with this reality and learn how to deal with it.

I am now learning how to deal with all these emotions and am so grateful that I have a real friend to help me get through it. A most incredible friend, one who's caring, loving, understanding and non-judgemental, who knows what it feels like to be myself because he has himself, while a baby, been through the same experiences that I have.

Everything aside, healing is on the way and I cannot wait to see the better person I will become after healing my wound. Although the scar will always be there, visible, I will no longer be bleeding all the negative feelings. I will then have found happiness.