The Healing

If I remember correctly, I was about 6 years old when my adoptive mother first told me I was an adopted child. It was probably several times that she would lay me on her lap, touch my hair and say something like: "A mamãe te ama muito mas você tem outra mãe. Ela te doou pra nós quando você ainda estava na barriga dela porquê ela não tinha condição de te criar, então ela queria uma vida melhor pra você, poder ir pra escola, ter brinquedos...". 

Several times she would repeat that same story to me. It wasn't until I was about 8 years old that I started to be conscious about it. I even remember one day I got spanked for some misbehavior and later I went into my bedroom, got a plastic bag and packed a few clothes, then I told my sister that I was going away to find my real mother. How stupid was that!!

That thought was always with me. Specially during adolescence. I forget how many times I told myself or my siblings that I was going away! Thinking back on it, that was probably what triggered my brother to have so many nasty fights with me. So many times we would fight over trivial things and in the end he would tell me that I wasn't his sister, that I didn't belong to that family, that I should leave. It still hurts, but I do love my brother and I forgive him. I just wish I could also forget it.

Live with what you have been given, stop complaining and wishing things had happened differently. What matters is how different we are going to live the now and then.

I feel alive, content. Hopefully one day I will be finally be able to get rid of all thoughts of suicide that have always been part of me. I truly want to live. Live today, make right decisions, and wait for the consequences in the future. Be it rewarding or not.